I’m over Mother’s Day

I've had a few weeks to reflect on Mother's Day. For several years now, I've observed how much tension this day seems to create for people, and when I say people, I mostly mean women.

Back in the day, when my husband pastored in a suburban church (the one I like to refer to as 'the church that fired us), he nearly started a revolt when he didn't preach a Mother's Day message. People were pissed off. He had so many complaints. The church board was all over him. It was a big deal. It didn't matter that all the mothers were given a carnation at the end of the service, and a special prayer was said for them. Somehow, this day had become a Holy Day in the minds of the flock. It isn't.

I'm sure most of you know the history of Mother's Day. It became an official holiday in Canada in 1915. Globally we were engaged in The Great War. In most countries, women did not have the right to vote. There was no birth control. Only a minority of women worked for pay. I think you get the picture. It was a different time.

In today's world, women's roles are more diverse. In Canada, almost ten percent of single women choose to be child-free. There are also a growing number of women who do not have children because of fertility challenges. Being a mother is not the path for every woman.

I had lunch with my sister and her friend. The week before Mother's Day, The friend mentioned how difficult the day was for her. She struggles with feeling flawed because she is not a mother. Her own mother is deceased, and so this day is painful all around for her. Other people I know have complicated relationships with their mothers - the pressure to do something for them causes a lot of resentment.

I avoid social media on Mother's Day. So many posts are apologetic, recognizing the different circumstances women find themselves in on the second Sunday of May. "Happy Mother's Day to all the moms today, and I'm holding space for all of you who are struggling today, blah, blah, blah." You've read these posts. Have you wondered why we need to apologize so much? 

The last church I went to worked hard to be sensitive on this occasion. They read a long prayer covering almost every scenario a woman could relate to regarding mothers. By the end of it, I wondered why they bothered. Why not just skip mention of it? It certainly isn't a religious holiday. And then I remember the near revolt when my husband ignored it.

And then there are all the social expectations. And perhaps this is the biggest reason Mother's Day is such a big deal. According to the National Retail Federation, consumers will spend over $35 billion on Mother's Day in 2023. According to a survey they did: Consumers plan to spend $274.02, up from the 2022 record of $245.76 per person, an increase of $28.26. Consumers between the ages of 35 and 44 are projected to spend the most, at an average of $382.26 per person.

I'm not feeling it. I love my mom. She is 85 years old. I talk to her most days. I see her once a week. And yet, when Mother's Day rolls around, I feel the need to do something more, and I wonder why.

My daughter has three young children. She is busy. I know she feels pressure on Mother's Day. Should she see me? Her mother-in-law? Her grandmother? Stay at home and be with her own kids? It's a lot. She loves gift-giving, and this year, she got me a lovely gift, and yet she felt the need to apologize because it was "just a little small thing because I didn't know what to get you." My son called me, and we had a good chat. I don't need or want a gift. My mother feels the same way, although I gave her a book I knew she would enjoy.

Next year my mom and my kids are getting this blog post emailed to them. I know they love me. They don't need to buy me anything. A phone call any day of the week is welcome.

It's time we rethink this holiday. I'm all in for International Women's Day. Let's honour all women globally. Let's do something to better the lives of women who are suffering. Let's focus less on gifts and more on legislation and action that supports all women regardless of whether or not they have children.

I'll pass on the carnations.