Are your adult children expecting too much?

Photo from Unsplash

Every time I hear the expression,“you’re only as happy as your unhappiest child,” I feel a flicker of resistance. It irks me that my happiness is tied to someone else’s well-being. And yet, when my son was hit hard by circumstances beyond his control this year, I found myself lying in bed worrying about him. Will he be okay? What can I do to help?

I know I’m not the only one. My peers are also enmeshed in their grown kids’ lives. We talk to them compulsively. When we’re out and one of our kids calls or texts, we respond immediately. It’s just understood. No questions asked.

I’ve heard from many women that the most complicated part of dating in the third act is navigating the role that adult children play in their partner’s lives. It’s been a source of conflict that ends some relationships.

We were the generation that raised our kids with real freedom. They disappeared for the afternoon, and we didn’t hear from them until they came home—and we didn’t worry. So what happened?

Much has been written about how technology has changed parenting young children. Far less about what it’s done to our relationships with them as adults. Our constant access can reshape closeness, expectations, and blur the line between connection and obligation.

Healthy relationships are a priority for me and I’ve thought long and hard about what that means with my adult children. And if I am honest, I may have judged other people’s involvement in their adult children’s lives. It seems like they are doing too much for their kids.

But what is too much?

I speak to my daughter almost every day, usually by text. I spend time with her and my adorable grandchildren at least once a week.

I talk to my son less regularly, sometimes going a few weeks without contact, though right now we’re in a season of more connection. I’m not complaining.

I call my mother every morning and try to visit weekly. When my kids were young, we spoke once a week largely dictated by the cost of long-distance calls.

It doesn’t feel like too much.

There is no What to Expect When Your Kids Are Grown book. We parented differently than we were parented and now we're navigating relationships our own parents never had to figure out. Our involvement can tip into too much. We are quicker to see it in others than in ourselves. If you feel entangled in your relationships with your kids here are a few questions to sit with:

Am I involved by choice or by obligation? Healthy involvement is chosen. You get to decide whether or not you can do something. Look for guilt or anxiety when you say ‘yes.’

Do I feel resentful? Resentment is a reliable signal. If you’re giving morethan feels right, you’ll feel drained. If you’re receiving less than you need, you’ll feel dismissed. Either direction tells you something important about where your boundaries actually are versus where you think you’ve set them.

Am I compensating for ways I may have failed in the past? There's a difference between repairing a relationship and trying to atone for past mistakes. In conscious aging work, repair is healthy and necessary. Pay attention to your motives.

Is my involvement or support keeping my children from growing and maturing in their own lives? Our best intentions can quietly undermine their resilience, strain their primary relationships, and rob them of the satisfaction of finding their own way.

Am I building a life that is genuinely my own? Do you have pursuits, friendships, and interests that exist apart from your children? Investing in yourself can be the best gift you give your children. Always. At any age.

I’ve been rethinking the expression I opened with. Maybe it’s not that our happiness rises and falls with our children’s lives. Maybe it is the steadiness of our own lives, the way we respond and adapt to ever changing circumstances that gives them permission to find their own footing.

Tending to our own lives, being conscious of the way we live, clearly communicating our boundaries and strengthening our own resilience may be one of the most important ways we continue to parent them.

Our happiness is our responsibility. And it turns out, it might be one of the most important jobs we have.