Rethinking Independence: What It Really Means to Be a Strong Woman as We Age

When my kids were young, I had a calendar with stickers I used to record all their firsts - first smile, first tooth, first word, first step. Those are big days in the life of a mother. They remind us that this completely dependent child is growing and developing the skills that will lessen their dependence on us. It doesn’t take long until the ‘I can do it myself’ declarations surface.

We receive so much positive feedback for doing things ourselves. I know I have oohed and aahed over each of my grandkids using the potty so enthusiastically you would think they were the first human beings ever to have a bowel movement.

All these achievements are reinforced in ways that cause us to internalize and value independence in our lives. Most of us begin to equate strength and competence with independence. Being a strong woman means doing it all without asking for help. I’d like to think that at some point we mature out of this thinking, but for most of us, we need to have our distorted images of what it means to be a strong woman pried out of our hands one loss at a time. It’s painful. A good therapist can help.

I gathered with two groups of women this month. First, I spoke at a women’s breakfast meeting about conscious aging. I asked the women to share what they considered to be positive aspects of aging. There was an uncomfortable silence followed by some joking about decline and a few honest comments that they weren’t looking forward to getting older. It was an opportunity to present a different perspective on the third act of life. By the end of our time together, I could sense a shift had taken place, and there was an understanding that these later years allow us to work on our interior lives from a place of deepening wisdom and joy.

The second group was a weekend away with three other women whose ages range from 60 to 72. In the past year, two of these women have been diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease. All of us have been exploring spiritual eldering or conscious aging in our lives. They’ve participated in my retreats, and we’ve been in circles together. It’s a different conversation. We are facing the journey we are on together. Our laughter isn’t born out of awkwardness or avoidance.

We joke about the discoveries we are making, but we also feel incredibly grateful for the shift in our perspective. When the restaurant we were going to for dinner offered options for reservations at 5:30 or 7:30, it was unanimous. No one wants to go out for a meal at 7:30 pm! And we are all quite happy being back at the cottage, sitting by the fire before it gets dark out.

This morning, I was talking to my mother about some changes she is considering. She has had a bath almost every morning of her adult life. She lives alone (independently!), and the risk of her slipping getting in or out of the tub is high. We talked about her making the switch to showering. It is letting go of something, and it’s not easy.

As we get older, it’s easy to fear an imaginary calendar filling up with “last bath” or “last time we drove a car.” It’s not easy to lose our independence, especially when it is deeply equated with our value or usefulness in society. But maybe there are still some stickers to celebrate. How about, “first time I admitted I couldn’t do it all myself?”