The Secret to a Long Marriage
You might not know this about me - I am a wannabe minimalist. The older I get, the more I see the wisdom in having less. Things weigh us down. Everything we have in our lives comes with some maintenance involved. I originally wrote everything we own, but it goes beyond ownership. It isn’t just things that require maintenance; it is relationships, physical and mental health and more.
When I get fixated on a word like maintenance, I generally search online for the etymology. It turns out maintain comes from the Latin expression manu tenere, meaning literally “hold in the hand.”
Yes, that makes sense, especially when I consider maintaining a home. I picture myself hanging my laundry or ironing. These two routine maintenance tasks I performed this weekend involved holding something in my hand.
The word maintenance was used in the early 15th century to mean the action of upholding or keeping in good order. As I age, I often comment about how much maintenance is involved, and I’m not talking about Botox or fillers. It seems like I’m constantly seeing someone about something. Tomorrow I see my dental hygienist for maintenance on my teeth. She already has me flossing, brushing and using a water flosser to keep things working well for as long as possible. Still, I need to see her every six months.
We spend a lot of time maintaining stuff. One of the main reasons I let my hair go grey was to avoid the time and financial investment in preserving colour. I’m simplifying as I go.
Maintenance is a lot of work - ask anyone who has lost weight. I’ve seen so many people go up and down on the scale now that I have committed not to comment on weight loss. The losing part isn’t nearly as challenging as the maintaining. That’s where the real work begins. Most of us struggle with maintenance when it comes to diet and exercise. I don’t want to contribute to people's shame when they regain it.
And that brings me to another thing that requires maintenance - relationships. I’ve realized that I can only hold so many people in my hand, so to speak. My people are important to me, and having the type of relationships I value takes time.
This week my husband and I celebrate our 40th anniversary.It’s a big one. No one has asked me about the secret of a long marriage, but I have thought about it recently.
We had an unscheduled maintenance call today (also known as an argument.) Something broke down unexpectedly over breakfast. It’s the second time in a few weeks we’ve had to talk through a situation where one of us was hurt.
By now, we know each other well enough to know what needs to happen to fix things. Thankfully, we see this marriage as something to maintain. So far, it hasn’t broken beyond repair, although I know that does happen. I would say after all these years, the secret to our long marriage is regular maintenance. Our marriage works for us. And 40 years in, it is still worth the upkeep. (Happy Anniversary, Brian!