Day 1: I am a walking contradiction

Yesterday was my 43rd wedding anniversary. My husband and I went out for dinner to celebrate. And all I could think about was how bad I looked. Ouch!

I just finished a 15 day treatment on skin cancer on my face. So, I have large scab in the middle of my forehead. I am not jeopardizing healing with concealer or makeup on it. Another factor contributing to my focus on appearance is a haircut that I got 3 weeks ago. It is up there with the worst haircuts I have ever had. It will grow. It’s not a big deal but combined with the head wound, I felt unusually self-conscious.

My husband graciously suggested we not document the meal. “I know you aren’t feeling great about how you look today,” were his words.

This week, in a circle I lead, we talked about aging as a time when we learn to hold the tension between opposing thoughts. I know how I look isn’t ultimately important. And yet, I have spent years, considering how I look. Getting from caring more than I like to admit about what I wear and how I look to not caring at all might not be the goal.

I like to look good. And finding the place where I’m still okay with my 68 year old body and face isn’t always as easy as I think it should be. I’m a walking contradiction.

Pursuing the spiritual journey of aging while I consider ways to make my hair look less frumpy.

And perhaps that is the point.

We don’t stop caring about things, we learn to hold the tension.