Who are these people at my table?
For the first time in my memory, we had dinner with just my siblings and their spouses. As adults, our gatherings have always included our parents and our children. Our family has changed over the past few years. My father died in 2019. Our children are now adults and living their own lives. And then there was the whole Covid debacle (like many families, we have pro and anti-vaxxers in the mix.) Getting everyone together requires a great deal of effort and coordination.
When my brother retired last May, I suggested having a sibling dinner to mark the occasion. It took us until December to make it happen. I wondered how it would unfold. Truth be told (and that is the point of this newsletter), I was anxious as the day approached. The day of the dinner, I was feeling bitchy about everything. I knew it was tension about hosting.
I made some herbal tea, sat down with my journal, and started exploring my feelings. I read The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker a few years ago. In it, she suggests the first step is deciding why you are gathering. I may have missed the boat on planning this event Priya Parker style, but I decided I could at least focus on my intention. I wrote, “I want to bring my siblings together for a meal and create a warm and welcoming space for them.” I determined to put the evening in perspective and release everything else.
Before we began the meal, my husband gave a short prayer of thanks for the dinner and time together. When he finished, my brother-in-law picked up his drink and said, “Before we eat, I would like to propose a toast.” He gave the most heartfelt toast to family and the need for us to cherish our time together. His brother died in September of this year, and I know he is keenly aware right now that we can’t take these moments for granted. I was grateful that he set the tone for the rest of the evening with his words.
I started thinking about all the holiday gatherings many of us have on the calendar in the next few weeks. Many people say that these celebrations have become a duty and obligation. They are boring. They are tolerated. We show up because we must be there to please other people. What if we could change things?
Another point that Priya Parker makes is, “Don’t be a chill host.” You can use these ideas even if you aren’t the host. You can always step into the role unofficially. Parker suggests three goals for the hosts of a gathering:
Protect your guests: I remember hosting a group in our home. One of the men who was present was belligerent. He publicly criticized the agenda for the evening and the conversation. It was getting awkward, and something in me snapped. I asked him to leave. I told him that we were the hosts and that if the evening was disappointing him, he was free to leave, but he was not free to stay and hijack the enjoyment that the rest of us were having. He left. It was awkward, but there was a sigh of relief. If you are hosting a party, a meal, or a team meeting and someone gets out of line, remember you have the authority to ask them to leave. Parker says, “Protecting your guests is, in short, about elevating the right to a great collective experience above anyone’s right to ruin that experience.” It is a generous thing to do.
Equalize your guests: This idea is intriguing and one I have only recently started to consider. Where people sit around a table can be a way of creating hierarchy and power dynamics. When we have family gatherings, we often put the children at the head of the table (partly so they can escape when they are done.) How might you level the playing field for your guests? Truman Capote used to invite his guests to wear masks so that people could mingle freely without their celebrity status getting in the way.
Connect your guests: As I looked around the table at my siblings, I thought about how we don’t know each other well. We share a history, but our relationship is more based on the past than the present. What we all have in common is that we all want to be known. Facilitating meaningful conversations can help everyone feel like they have gotten to know each other better. So can seating people beside someone they might not know well. It can take a little forethought to get people to connect. You can ask everyone to answer a question or share gratitude for something in their lives. We played a Christmas music trivia game the other night, which was a lot of fun.
A good evening is when people feel more connected to each other than at the beginning of the night. We often spend more time worrying about the menu and the decor than we do about our role as hosts. It can take courage to introduce your family to a different way of being. The truth is your gatherings can be richer this holiday season if you are intentional. Instead of a group of people who don’t know each other but have family ties, you can create something more meaningful. It is possible if you want to know the people around your table. If not, why bother?