What are YOU lying about?

I’ve just returned from almost a month away from my desk, and I’m easing back into work. I spent most of yesterday going through my inbox and thinking about where to focus in the next few months. I’m great at dreaming and coming up with ideas. Implementing them is another story! I’ve learned to take time to plan what I need to do. It works for me.

I read several books while I was away. Some of those were deliciously light summer novels you can pick up and enjoy without much thought. And then there were a few others I brought along to stimulate my thinking less I become too soft intellectually!

I enjoyed reading Abigail Thomas’ book Still Life at Eighty: The next interesting thing. There were a couple of reasons I was drawn to this book. First, it was written by a memoirist and included writing tips throughout the book. I might as well read about it if I wasn't writing much. The second reason was it was written as the author turned eighty.

My mom is in her eighties, and I’m curious about the aging experience of eighty-year-old women. The book was also written during the pandemic, and as we know, older adults were significantly impacted by Covid-19.

One of the assignments that Thomas suggests in the book is one she gives her students. It is to write two pages that begin with the sentence, “This is a lie I’ve told before.” Wow! What a powerful prompt.

Of course, I had to try it. I got out my journal this week and was surprised by what I wrote. Honesty is a big thing for me. My tagline for my blog is “Truthfully Speaking.”

Here’s what I discovered. There is only one person I think nothing of being dishonest with, and that person is myself. 

I lie to myself frequently and mostly about changes I will make. No more sugar! No more buying things I don’t need! And more variations of these types of claims.

These lies might seem inconsequential, but as I wrote about them, I realized they undermined my trust in myself. I am telling myself that I am not a person of my word. I can’t count on myself to do what I say I will do. It’s odd because I wouldn’t consider lying so easily to anyone else.

As I continued to write, I wondered how I could reframe these empty promises I make to myself. I am not serious about never eating sugar again, so why make a big declaration that I am giving it up? I have no idea what future Sandy will do or not do. I don’t know what her life will look like tomorrow or in two years, so why am I speaking for her?

I decided to stop making statements that, in all likelihood, I will not follow through on. Instead, I can express my intention to make decisions that are good for my health, knowing I won’t get it right one hundred percent of the time.

I was ready to send this email, and one more lie I tell myself came to my mind. It is one I tell myself, and I tell other people. It is saying I am fine or okay when I am not. I do it more than I want to admit. I say I am fine when I don’t want someone else to feel bad. I tell myself I am fine when I feel like I shouldn’t be upset or I should be able to handle a situation. I’m going to work on being okay with not being fine. I’ll let you know how it goes.

I’m surprised that this one little question surfaced so much for me. Please do this exercise and see what emerges for you. If you don’t journal, why not take the prompt, “This is a lie I’ve told before,” out for a walk with you? See what emerges as you ponder it.

The truth is we all have areas where we find it challenging to be honest. Becoming aware of those areas can help you integrate more of your life, and that’s good. Those who struggle with people-pleasing are good at pushing our feelings and needs down.

Someone once said, “If you can’t tell the truth, don’t lie.” It’s worth considering!