Try taking less responsibility

In my book club, we just decided on our next book. As the discussion group leader, I usually try to have a vote or get everyone’s input or suggestions about what we will do next. This time we decided rather quickly.

After our Zoom call, I started worrying that one of our members might not have had a voice in the decision. I wondered if she was interested in the book we landed on reading. You should note that we go deep with a book. So when we decide on a book, it can be anywhere from 6 months to a year discussing it. 

The next day I woke up and again worried about how she was feeling and if she was offended. Just as I was considering sending her a text, I realized it wasn’t my responsibility. We are a close-knit group of mature, wise women. If any of us is upset or disappointed about the group process of deciding on a book, then it is her responsibility to bring that to the group.

In the past year, I have become aware of how I have spent so much of my life anticipating and taking responsibility for other people's feelings. I’ve been working on my ‘over-developed sense of responsibility.” I’ve been paying attention to my actions and examining whether I take ownership of too much in relationships. It’s been a learning curve.

Here are two areas where I am taking less responsibility:

1. Being the initiator: In many of my relationships, I am the person who sends the text or email suggesting we get together. I used to proudly think I did this because I’m a ‘leader.’

A few years ago, I wondered if certain people were getting together with me just because I reached out to them. I was also tired of always being the one who emailed. I stopped organizing and planning as much and discovered there was no reciprocity. I’m not a mind reader, so I don’t know why I don’t hear from people. I know I’m not solely responsible for the relationship. Not initiating getting together with people has been eye-opening.  

2. Knowing how other people feel:  As I mentioned above. I am not a mind reader. Unless someone tells me what they think, I only have my imagination.

We often hear people say someone can’t “Read the Room.” I understand that to mean they are low on emotional intelligence. Now I’m wondering if we have overrated the ability to read the room. Individuals who have suffered trauma tend to be hyper-vigilant about how everyone around them feels. We are constantly scanning the room, trying to make sure everyone is okay and we aren’t in danger. We are exhausted by continually reading the room.

The truth is we don’t know what someone else is feeling. We are looking for clues based on their expression and body language. We may be correct in our assessments. Still, I’m tired of taking responsibility for trying to know what someone else is thinking. “Reading the room” can blame the wrong person. We are all responsible for our feelings, not so much for everyone else’s emotions.

Let’s allow everyone to take responsibility for their feelings. We may all find we have more energy and the people we spend time with really want to be around us.