Could people-pleasing kill you?
When I signed up for a certification course on conscious ageing, I knew I would have a lot of work to do. I firmly believe that you can't take people further than you've gone in your own life. So, I've been diving into my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual understanding of being an elder. I had no idea how deep and rewarding this work would be.
Of course, life goes on and provides opportunities to put theory into practice. This week I had day surgery on my scalp to remove two basal cell carcinoma lesions. The physical pain was more than I anticipated. The plastic surgeon pulled the skin tight before stitching my head and warned me it would take a while to stretch and relax. I know for sure now that I will never have a facelift.
I haven't gone out much because it looks nasty, and a hat sits on the incision. I've been reading and taking care of myself. I've led a few online workshops. I'm training my husband to be at my 'beck and call.' He's not learning as fast as I would like. (I'm kidding. He reads my newsletter, and he has been great.)
This week I started reading a book that had been sitting on the shelf, waiting for me to finish another book so I could get to it. When I posted that I had started reading The Myth of Normal: Trauma Illness & Healing in a Toxic Culture, I was surprised by how many people responded that they were also reading it. I am about a hundred pages into it and am learning or relearning that our bodies are a system and that disease is a complex process.
The quote at the top of this newsletter stood out to me. If you've followed me for any length, you know that a big part of my journey has been coming home to myself. I've had to let go of people-pleasing and a deep-rooted need to be liked. That need led me to make choices in my life that didn't align with who I am.
People-pleasing was like bindweed running rampant in my life, wrapping itself around so much of what I did that I couldn't flourish. Reading The Myth of Normal, I can see how it didn't just stifle me spiritually and emotionally but had physical consequences.
It doesn't matter how many years of life experience you have; there is always something more to learn. Women, especially, have been conditioned not to rock the boat. We are afraid we will upset people by speaking our truth. It costs us time, money, emotional stability and physical health.
Another quote from The Myth of Normal gave me pause:
"To hear Anita Moorjani tell it, the disease that nearly killed her was no random misfortune. "The person I was before I got cancer," the bestselling author told me, "was afraid of disappointing other people. I was a pleaser. I completely lost myself in satisfying other people. I became so drained. I was someone who could not say no: I was a rescuer, and I would be the one who was there for everyone. I didn't even learn that it's okay to be me when I had cancer. It took being in a coma to learn that."
It can be disorienting for people when we start showing up as ourselves. Your relationships will change, some for the better and some will end. I take solace in knowing that the people in my life don't love me for what I do for them but for who I am.