Claim your role as an elder
Last night, I had the privilege of hosting a Sacred Ritual for a friend who has recently received a cancer diagnosis. Receiving this type of news is life-altering. I wanted to do something to support her on this journey and gathering for a ritual seemed like the appropriate response. We collaborated on the elements of the ritual. She invited a couple of women in her community, and so it began.
There were four women, a fire on the beach, flowers, the full moon, food and drink, open hearts and lots of love. When we arrived, we were greeted by a Buck standing at the edge of the beach and the forest. How special given it was the Full Buck Moon! At the beginning of the ritual, a loon called out, and a heron flew over at one point.
Along the way, the ritual went in the direction it needed to go in. I forgot to light the candle at the start, but we got to it eventually. The ritual focused on anger, grief and finding meaning in the diagnosis.* Some aspects went as planned others didn’t but It didn’t matter. What mattered was the intention of our time together.
We were reminded by one woman that anger can be difficult to access. (Maybe more so for Enneagram 7 types?) Each person present had an important and specific perspective to share.
What I imagined would be a release or expression of feelings turned into a conversation about accessing our emotions. There were tears and laughter as we witnessed our friend’s experience. Most importantly, there was a recognition that cancer sucks, life will no longer be the same and our friend is surrounded by loving people who will each bring their unique gifts to her life.
The ritual itself was a metaphor that life doesn’t go as planned. I went to bed thinking about how extraordinary it can be when we set an intention to slow down and recognize the spiritual and emotional impact of a life-changing diagnosis. I also thought about how significant it is to pause and reflect on the big moments in our lives.
I know from my work with rituals how healing they can be. Many of you reading this post may be aware of a longing for an evening like I just described. We have often spent our lives limited to the rituals our religious institutions have offered us. They generally cover births, baptisms, confirmation of faith, marriages and deaths.
In between those milestones are myriad defining moments. We find ourselves standing on the edge of the beach or forest at the threshold of a new beginning and needing to release the past. We know these moments are sacred but we don’t know how to honour them.
The desire for a ritual is often unfulfilled because we lack the confidence to plan something. I’ve done a lot of work around rituals and I still feel a bit ‘out there’ when I suggest one. I believe they provide spiritual and emotional support for the people who are willing to say yes. I want to be a part of that process.
One of the first books I read about aging was Claiming Your Place At the Fire: Living the Second Half of Your Life on Purpose by Richard J Leider and David A Shapiro. I love the title. It reminds me, that when it comes to being an elder I need to step up not back.
We may want someone to acknowledge us as elders and give us a seat close to the fire, the place where the storytellers and wisdom keepers sit. Leider and Shapiro write, “It’s not just that they are acknowledged by their people; that is a given. As importantly, they claim themselves as vital resources for their communities.”
For me, the work of conscious aging includes using my gifts to help others on this journey. We need voices of wisdom that come from reflecting on and doing the deep work of healing in our own lives.
I’ve chosen to claim my place at the fire as an elder. I’ve been sitting with the words ‘healer/teacher’ this year after cutting them out of a magazine and putting them on my vision board. (Someday, I will write about how my vision board has changed over the years.) There is something about those words that resonates with me and what I sense is emerging in my work.
Offering to organize a ritual for a friend is one way that I can bring my gifts to my circle. Initially stepping into these roles might feel uncomfortable but you quickly see that what you are doing is creating a space to honour a significant event. You hold your idea of how it will go lightly and let go of trying to control the outcome.
If you want to know more about Sacred Rituals or conscious aging get in touch with me. There are other resources available on this site or simply email me and let’s connect about how you can claim your place at the fire.
*I leaned heavily on a ritual from Hello, Goodbye: 75 Rituals for Times of Loss, Celebration, and Change by Day Schildkret for the structure of this ritual. It was a good starting point.