I had a call from the hospital a few weeks ago. My sister fell. She tripped over a patio stone and ended up with injuries that included three fractured ribs, a mild concussion and torn ligaments. Afterwards, she questioned, “Is this who I am now?” She’s turning sixty this year and we both worry about falling as we age. Our mother has a history of falling and getting hurt. Mind you she also has a history of climbing on unstable things rather than getting a ladder.
This past month, I haven’t had much creative energy. Overall life has been good. I had a friend visit for four days. We’ve had a couple of family gatherings including Thanksgiving and my sixty-sixth birthday celebration. I’ve had lots of fun with my grandkids spending as much time taking advantage of the warm fall weather as possible. And still, even though so many good things fill my life, I’ve lacked creative energy.
More than once, I’ve asked myself, “Is this who I am now?”
It’s a question that I find myself asking frequently as I get older. It’s tied into a fear of decline and letting go of previous levels of productivity. It’s linked to a shifting identity as I focus more on the internal than the external measures of a good life.
While my husband was recovering from recent surgery, we played games one afternoon to fill the time. In the back of my mind, the question formed, “Is this who we are now? Are we an older couple that plays games in the afternoon?”
Every time I sat down to write this month, I’ve lacked inspiration. I know I was coming off an intense few months. I needed to let go of the pressure to do and allow myself to be. I found it difficult to allow myself the space and time I needed to recover. I want to do. I like filling my week with all the things.
The truth is, I need to have more space to just be in my calendar. I can’t go for weeks on end with very few stretches of downtime. When I don’t give myself time to recover, I end up drained of all my creative energy.
I am in a wisdom circle of older adults who are actively working in the area of conscious aging. Last week we discussed the three life-stages of older adults. They are the young-old (approximately 65 to 74 years old), the middle-old (ages 75 to 84 years old), and the old-old (over age 85).
In my experience those of us in the young-old group, who are in good health, find it hard to reconcile shifts in our energy levels. We can be in a fight with aging. We want to deny that anything is changing. But I’ve also witnessed it in the middle-old and the old-old. We can feel shame when it involves changes that are related to aging. Especially if those changes are visible.
I am starting to pay more attention to the rhythms of my life. I’m becoming more aware of the ebbing and flowing of my energy. I am less willing to push myself. I say no to more things. If I have a stretch of busy days, I block out time on my calendar to rest. I can't age with wisdom without paying attention to my needs.
I’m seeing how much of my identity has been tied up in doing. I continue to see the roots of people-pleasing in so many of my ‘yeses.’ My ego loves to maintain the image of a busy and popular woman.
Life goes on, even when I take a month off from creating things and writing. I know that when the words go, it’s a sign I need to stop and spend some time doing things that fill my cup.
It’s becoming clear to me. I don’t need to worry about who I will be tomorrow. I can relax.
This is who I am right now.
Reflection Questions
These questions can be used as prompts in your journal, to discuss with a friend or ponder as you walk.
What stage of life am I in?
What changes am I experiencing?
How can I be gentle with myself when I am not living up to my self-imposed standards and expections?
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