Not Living Up to My Potential

Making Peace with My Past, One Report Card Comment at a Time

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be raised in a time and place where people are aware and sympathetic to learning differences. By contrast, I feel like I was born in the dark ages of education. I realize that many parents today have valid concerns about the systems that are socializing their children in ways that seem misinformed and dangerous. Still, I wouldn’t want to go back to the good old days of education in the 1960’s and 1970’s.

My primary school memories are vague. I struggled socially and academically. I look at school photos and I can’t recall the majority of my classmates or teachers. I have just a handful of events that are stored in my brain. All of them directly related to learning difficulties. Like failing to hand in a project I had worked so hard on because I forgot it and the teacher wouldn’t accept it late. Being disciplined for talking to a classmate. A teacher throwing out my reading glasses when I didn’t clear off my desk at the end of the day and having to go through the year without them because I didn’t want to tell my parents they were gone.

My parents both worked and they were stretched to the max emotionally. They fought frequently and were harsh disciplinarians. Without parental involvement in my education, it was up to me to navigate it. I don’t think anyone paid attention to my progress in school. Flying under the radar was the way I learned to survive at home and at school.

I still have my report cards from those years and they are full of comments that today would be indicators of ADHD. “Sandy does not live up to her potential. Sandy always has her head in the clouds. Sandy would do better if she paid attention. Sandy is easily distracted.” It goes on. Teacher’s comments were not selected from a drop down menu on a screen. They were written freehand with little concern for how they might be received.

It surprises me now that it wasn’t until I was in my fifties, that I really grasped that I had ADHD. The turning point was when I went back to school. I was in a MA program that included a three week residency program for two summers. It was during the first year, that a friend in my cohort, said to me, “You really zone out a lot.” I was surprised. I had thought I was really good at masking it.

I remember asking my husband and kids if they experienced me ‘zoning out.’ They confirmed that they were well aware when I wasn’t listening. OUCH!

I always thought much of what I struggled with was related to deep childhood trauma not ADHD. Now I understand both play a part in how I function.

Over the past decade, I’ve begun to explore how ADHD has impacted my life in so many ways. I joke about it - a lot. But the truth is, it is difficult at times and can be exacerbated by aging. Dopamine decreases as we age andADHD brains have a dopamine deficiency. It’s a double whammy.

I know now that I have inattentive ADHD. Over my life, I have created systems that help me function. I’ve gotten better at telling people that I zone out and asking them to repeat things for me. I use an analog planner because I have discovered that writing things down and making notes is the best way for me to keep organized. At the same time I don’t know where I would be without my friend Siri making reminders for me all day long.

The conversation around ADHD has changed. But many women in my generation were undiagnosed. We weren’t hyper-active. We didn’t grow up in a time of Individual Education Plans. We just muddled our way through school, often feeling inadequate or stupid. Without any support we floundered through our lives, doing the best we could but feeling like we weren’t living up to our potential.

For many of us, our fifties were an awakening. Menopause, empty nests, and supportive friendships are part of the invitation to reclaim ourselves. We finally feel like we can breathe freely. We no longer need to make other people happy. We see our people pleasing for what it was - a way to feel loved and accepted. A way to fly under the radar.

Recently, I recorded an episode on Tracy Otsuka’s podcast, ADHD for Badass Women. Her work has been helpful for me as I embrace this neurodivergent aspect my wiring. I am not an ADHD coach but I realize now that the work I have done in my life has been informed by this aspect of my life.

Part of conscious aging is making sense of our journey. We reflect on our lives through different lenses and make peace with who we are and how we got here. I’ve been thinking recently that I needed to take the exact path I did to get to where I am. There were many forces beyond my control as a child that shaped me. Bit by bit I’ve reclaimed myself, made peace with the world I was raised in and found way to integrate my story.

As women who journey towards wisdom in our lives, we are able to own all of our experiences. We work towards forgiveness and acceptance. As we find renewed purpose we live more compassionately knowing that we don’t know the load other people are carrying.

As I walk this path of A Crone in the Woods, I’m living the work I am doing. And I’m not concerned about flying below the radar. Thank you for being here.

Here are some resources that may help you re-story your experience.

1. If you grew up with undiagnosed ADHD, check out Tracy Otsuka’s podcast: ADHD for Badass Women.

2. Soul-Centered Aging: Check out my website for events, resources and more. (There are only three rooms available at my annual retreat in October. Details are on the website.)