What if gratitude isn’t always possible?
It’s hard not to think about gratitude on a weekend designated for Thanksgiving. We know the value of a regular gratitude practice. It’s a habit many of us have adopted, recognizing the importance of looking at all we have rather than all that is missing. Counting our blessings helps us feel good.
And, we are told, we can always find something to be grateful for in our lives. True, but is that the point?
What if our insistence on focusing on the good in our lives creates an imbalance? What if we miss out on important insight by avoiding the not-so-great?
I had a conversation with my adult son this week. He had a rough week on a few fronts. He was feeling under the weather (side note to myself - look up that expression!) He was disappointed in something in his work. And there were a few other minor things that were bothering him.
When I got off the phone, I could feel myself sinking into a mother’s malaise. You’ve undoubtedly heard the saying, ‘We are only as happy as our saddest child.’ I started fretting about his situation. (By the way, fretting is a current favourite word of mine; it actually means to eat, gnaw into, or corrode. Such a great word for worry.)
And then I started thinking about this practice I’ve been doing. It’s based on the Ignatian practice of Consolation and Desolotation.
I’ve been using Compassionate Question cards to help me look closer at my life. (I’ll direct you to the creator of the cards at the end of the email.) The way I am using them is to take a card out of the deck and reflect on it. I don’t use them every day but I usually pull a card once or twice a week.
Using the cards has helped me become more adept at asking questions about my feelings. I’ve also been able to deal with some of the judgments I have about my feelings. Like the situation with my son. I was only a few minutes into worrying about him when the question popped into my head, “What if what he is going through is exactly what he needs to help direct him in his life?”
Boom! I felt so much lighter. It might not seem like a big deal to you, but I worry about the people around me. And here is what I love about this practice. Asking questions creates a shift. Instead of downplaying the hard things in my life so I can focus on the positive, I can consider what gifts the hardships I want to avoid offer me.
This practice helps us look at our lives from a place of knowing that something bigger is at work. It keeps us from categorizing everything in my life as simply good or bad.
Here is an example of two questions that I might use to guide me in my day:
When was I able to respond today with a sense of trust, flow, and equanimity?
In response to today did I ever feel like I was solely responsible for managing all outcomes - that everything was on my shoulders?
(from the Compassionate Question Card deck)
I find that looking at things from both sides and asking open questions in a situation has helped me become far more accepting of what is happening in my life.
I also am quicker to think about things with more compassion for myself and others without needing to fix or sugar-coat them. In Sage-ing work, we call these difficult situations our Severe Teachers.
So, this Thanksgiving weekend, I’m reflecting on two of my own questions:
What if I didn’t feel like I had to feel grateful for a challenging situation in my life?
Was there a time today when I found myself negative and resentful about a problem in my life?
As Jen says, "When we can get quiet and honestly ask ourselves where we felt both enlivened and diminished in a day, our souls will usually guide our awareness to one or two seemingly ordinary moments that actually have deeper roots for our ongoing healing, growth, transformation and insight.”
Gratitude is about more than making a list. It’s more than a word on a plaque sitting with decorative gourds on your side table.
And if feeling thankful right now is difficult, it’s okay. You can try asking this question: “What if you were compassionate towards yourself when you can’t feel gratitude?”
I’m learning at this stage of my life that when I start with self-compassion, I can extend grace to others more freely. I’m grateful that I’m still learning.