Your Legacy Will Be Complicated
I was scrolling through Instagram this week and stopped to read something that caught my eye. I can’t find it now, so I’ll have to give you the gist. The post was about something someone had said decades ago that was being used to discredit their current work. They were clearly on the cusp of being cancelled. If a statue had immortalized them, they would be toppled. At the end of their critique, the writer said, “Maybe I shouldn’t say anything. I like Laura Inglis Wilder, and she has a complicated legacy.”
That phrase ‘complicated legacy’ stuck with me. I thought about my legacy, the choices I’ve made and the things I did in the past that I wouldn’t want to highlight now. And here’s a hard truth for all of us:
Your legacy will be complicated.
We live in a world that is constantly changing. What was socially acceptable forty years ago is now taboo. And what wasn’t acceptable is now being reconsidered and becoming mainstream.
When the TV series Mad Men came out, people were shocked. I know women who couldn’t watch it because it made them so angry. I worked in those environments. I had a job where part of the requirements was pouring Cognac every afternoon for my boss and socializing with clients on his yacht. I was very uncomfortable and left after a few months. It might seem extreme, but women in the 1970s faced a lot of workplace harassment, including men commenting on their bodies and how they looked or blatantly checking them out as they walked into a room. I worked in environments like this one. (Warning: that clip is from Mad Men.)
I wonder how many men who participated in that behaviour felt conflicted internally about their treatment of women.
For those of us who did grow up in a time when certain things were norms, we may feel ashamed of our past. Brian and I often discuss patriarchy and how we participated in religious systems that oppressed women. At the time, we only saw things through a particular lens, but we have changed our thinking and beliefs, and our current behaviour reflects those changes. I’m thankful that many men, including my husband, have woken up to how women have been treated. Still, it does make our legacy complicated.
We need to recognize that when things change, not everyone is changing simultaneously. It’s a basic principle in change management. Some people need more time. People need to be able to talk about their concerns and understand all the implications. Other people will go with the flow. Others will resist. I’m currently wrestling with my fears about medical assistance in death (MAiD). I’m trying to understand all the issues and ramifications. I don’t know how I feel! It’s taking me some time - longer than many others. It’s just one example of a cultural shift that requires us to think deeply.
Our resistance can be that our core values conflict. I believe that people shouldn’t be discriminated against because of their gender or sexuality. I also believe in freedom of speech and freedom of religion. I’ve had my Covid vaccinations and support people who have chosen not to vaccinate. I’m also concerned about government censorship. It’s difficult to sort out because these issues aren’t black and white. It requires time to think and consider seriously.
We are living in a time when societal values are changing rapidly. We can feel pressured to choose sides and fall into line. Sometimes, we are uncomfortable with either side, but the polarity is so strong we feel pressured to choose. We focus on the extreme in every situation, not realizing that many of us are closer to the middle and want the same things.
No wonder we become nostalgic as we age! We focus on the things that were better in the past - and some were better. But there was also a lot that was wrong that we forget. Meanwhile, the current situation feels more threatening and the future unknown. The media keeps us fearful (AI, inflation, climate change, wars, unethical politicians, and more.)
Here’s the truth: No matter how woke you think you are, none of us will get it all right. At the end of your life, hopefully, you will see that as the years passed, you were learning, changing, softening, and becoming more aware. You will have disappointed people. You will have hurt people along the way. You will have been doing your best even when you weren’t. Some people will think you are a hero. Others will see you as the villain.
You will have a complicated legacy.
I’ve found one of the most helpful things in integrating who I was then and who I am now has been engaging in a life review. Taking time to look back over our lives and see how we have changed, recognize the conditions that influence us and repair any damage we have done relationally. We work on forgiving ourselves and those who have hurt us. We make amends where we have hurt others. It’s part of The Sage’s Journey.
Today is my daughter’s 35th birthday. This week, we have had some hard conversations about some of the choices we made as parents when she was younger. It’s been emotional. We’ve changed. We aren’t the same people. We’ve been able to affirm who she is now and help her understand that we thought those choices were the best at the time. These difficult talks are also part of our legacy. It’s complicated!