Aphantasia is real and I’m relieved!
I learned something new about myself this week. I think it is pretty significant. Publicly admitting this particular insight brings a feeling of relief to me. Now you know.
For years, I have struggled with guided meditation. I want to love them. I want to experience those moments of clarity that so many people share in those post-visualization debriefs. The truth is they have never worked for me.
Here’s what I experience: I close my eyes. I take a few deep breaths and get grounded. Everything is as it should be and then I hear something like, “Imagine you are standing at the edge of a forest.” I start to get agitated. I don’t picture a forest. I don’t picture anything. It’s like room-darkening curtains have been drawn. I squeeze my eyes tight and admonish myself to focus on the blackness—still nothing. By now I am supposed to be walking through the forest I can’t picture. So I start describing a forest in words to myself. It’s difficult to convey. I tell myself what I think I am supposed to see. But do I see it? No.
After some visualizations, I might say, “That was difficult, I didn’t get anything.” If I feel I need to say something I will talk more about impressions than specifics.
I’ve thought I was deficient in some way. Usually, I blame my inability to focus. I thought it worked like those computer-generated images where if you stare long enough at the picture you’ll see a whale. I’ve often thought perhaps the person leading the meditation needed to slow down so I could get there. Sometimes I tell myself I am just tired.
On a few occasions, I do get something - but it is never an actual picture in my mind. It is me describing a scene to myself and then grasping what might be in it.
This weekend, I was listening to a podcast and the host invited the audience to visualize something. Once again, I had nothing. This time, instead of feeling deficient about it, I decided to see if anyone else on the World Wide Web experiences this problem. I figured Reddit would at least have a thread.
I was chuffed to discover that this thing has a name. It is called Aphantasia - the inability to visualize or image-free thinking. It was only given a name in 2015 although it has been written about since the 1800’s. There is even an Aphantasia Awareness Day! Okay, only since 2023 and only in the city of Rowlett, a suburb of Dallas, Texas but it is a start.
I’ve been reading more about it. I am grateful for this knowledge. I will be able to modify visualization techniques in my workshops to be more inclusive of all types of thinkers. Visual thinking happens on a spectrum - from people who can’t picture anything to very graphic, movie-quality images for others.
I’ve known I’m neurodivergent for a long time. Aphantasia is another form of neurodivergence. It isn’t linked to creativity. Some highly creative people have Aphantasia. Ed Catmull, co-founder of Pixar, Glen Keane, Disney animator and Penn Jillette of Penn and Teller are examples that stand out. It is estimated that about 5% of people have Aphantasia.
It surprises me that I have very detailed and vivid dreams. Back in the day (the 1970s to be specific) I went through a season of using mind-altering drugs (LSD, Mescaline, Peyote for the curious among you.) My hallucinogenic game was quite strong. I could stare at a blank wall and see what I could only compare to a movie in front of me. I understand what it is like to picture something that isn’t there! There is so much to learn about the human mind.
A day after my discovery, I was at my daughter’s house and I was explaining Aphantasia to her. She homeschools her children and I thought it would be of interest. I love synchronicity. The day before our discussion, she had picked up a copy of Temple Grandin’s book, Visual Thinking: The Hidden Gifts of People Who Think in Pictures, Patterns and Abstraction. We opened it up and there in the first chapter was a description of the spectrum of visual thinking from aphantasia to hyperphantasia.
I’m wondering why it took so long for me to do a simple search on “inability to visualize.” I think the assumption that everyone can visualize is so deep in our culture that I assumed I was flawed and needed to figure it out or try harder. I also hadn’t experienced any major consequences in my life that pushed me to figure it out. But now I know.
And that leads me to a big leap here!
We all have different strengths. One of my strengths is future thinking (without pictures of course!) That’s why I like to plan! I know how quickly time goes by and how easy it is to not do the things we want or need to do. I have time blocked off in my schedule for making salsa and pickling beets in the fall. The exact day might change but I know that I need two full days for canning in September.
If I don’t plan to do something it doesn’t usually happen. Thinking about death and preparing for the end of our lives is something we can easily avoid or put off. I’ve known people who have had a diagnosis they only had a year to live and they still didn’t stop and think about what was most important in their remaining time.
A Year to Live is an opportunity to make time for some significant work in your life. There are only two weeks left to sign up and there are limited spots. I can’t visualize how it will go but I know it will bring depth and richness to your life to do this work.
Originally posted on Substack 04/03/24